Keeping desire and imagination alive in a long-term relationship

In long-termIMG_1859 relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner. But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise. So how do you sustain desire? With wit and eloquence, Perel lets us in on the mystery of erotic intelligence.

 

 

 

where do our past great loves go…?

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I’ve always believed in love despite my own experiences with it and it’s failures.  I somehow find it within me to brush myself off and try again, only to hope I’m a little wiser each time. I still believe that there is someone out there for me to love and believes that I’m worth loving.  These are my love stories; my first love, my last love, falling in love, falling out of love, and learning to stay in love with myself along the way. Under Love Stories you will find 3 stories of love, heart-break, friendship and hopefully a happy ever after.

Other Side of the Tracks-the first fall is the hardest to recover from. But we learn more about what we want, don’t want and our heart’s recovery rate. Especially when we return for seconds and thirds.

Kansas to Morocco-is it possible to have a fairy tale love story? The one that never gets old telling and people never stop asking about? Can two people from different backgrounds beat the odds despite all the obstacles that are thrown in front of them?  Disney movies tells us its possible. Lady and the Tramp, Cinderella, Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast.

Good on Paper-this is the guy that every woman says they’re looking for but can’t find. But that’s because they are too busy dating the bad guy instead.  The bad guy is fun, adventuresome, and good in bed. The good on paper guy is a bit boring with his consistency, routine and stability. Can the love and passion be just as strong with the good on paper guy? Or is it a learn to love situation?

The Baby Interrogation

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I remember when we were dating and had “the talk” about children.  Honestly I was in the middle. I could see myself happy with or without them and at 26 I could see being happy without them even more.  But the husband thought having kids was part of being married and uttered the words “whose going to take care of us when we are older?”, with a smile.

At that time he was 27 and I was 26 and a year later we were married.  I was still working on my Bachelor’s degree at the time and just being a newly wed.  We would occasionally talk about children, dream or see other people with children and say “when we have kids we aren’t going to do that or let this happen” and we would both nod our heads.  As the years went on and I approached the big “30”, I started thinking more about having children. The maternal clock started having a slight ticking sound. Although it was a faint tick I could hear it but choose to ignore it most of the time.

Then over the next 2 years something happened that MEN will never understand. They say they understand but they don’t. Just like women will never understand the pressures that only MEN seem to feel. Their pressures have a profound effect on the choices they make in work, love and life.

I like to call it the “baby interrogation

See women measure or compare their own love, sex, marriage and family based on what other women are doing in their placement group.  What is a woman’s placement group?  It’s a group of women who are currently floating around the same event timeline as you are. They are married, in their career, around your age and are planning on getting pregnant soon, are currently pregnant or have had their first child. These women consist of coworkers, friends, friends of friends, acquaintances at social events and family members especially sisters, mothers and mothers-in-law.

Now I’m sure men have a placement group and experience this to some degree, but the difference is their placement group is much smaller and it usually consist of very well known members, meaning not friends of friends, coworkers or acquaintances.

When a women gets married, it activates the “placement group”.  All of the sudden women start coming out of the wood work. Let the baby interrogation begin!  Women that you don’t know or rarely spoke to you at work before, start asking you the 2 questions.

#1Q “So are you all wanting to have children?”

#2Q “Are you going to try to get pregnant right away or wait?”

And it doesn’t stop there. Based on your answers for #1 & #2, another 2-3 questions will follow.  It’s like a mathematical equation that is programmed in every women and they instinctively know when to use it.  It’s mind blowing!

The only acceptable answer to 1 is “yes”, otherwise you are given the “look”. The “look” is something we’ve all experienced. It’s the look we give progressive art that we’re pretty sure is NOT art. It’s the look of “something doesn’t fit”.

When a woman gets the “look”, she starts measuring her life based on all the other women in her group.  And what’s sad is, I’ve done it to other women!

An amazing article was written tackling this baby pressure called; “How Long Can You Wait to Have a Baby?” Jean Twenge.  She talks about the true statistics of fertility after 30, and the numbers are not lining up with what all women have been told.  It’s definitely worth checking out.

The eX-files. When an ex creeps back into your life

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I thought after being with him for 2 years and being married to him for the last 4 months that the grieving of my previous marriage was over.  I mean I ripped that band-aid off the minute I saw scar tissue developing. Of course if the eX-file is brought up and reimnessed about I can get emotional. But usually it has to be pulled out of the archives and discussed in detail for awhile and then I get a little choked up.  But this one came out of nowhere, at least it felt like it did.

Last night I was scrolling through Facebook as usual.  Back story: my eX-husband and I are not friends in the social media or the real life world. Especially since I’m remarried now and we didn’t have any kids together.  But of course one gets curious of your past loves after you’ve both moved on…so you Google them or search them on Facebook to see what they have allowed to be public for those non-facebook friends to see.

And there it was! Fresh new evidence that he is still alive without me in his life. It had been over 8 months since I had seen anything from him.  There was some speculation that he had moved out of state to go live close to a mutual friend, but I wasn’t too sure my eX-File could do it. He wasn’t really the adventuresome type.

Exhibit A: was a picture of him with his new group of friends in his new home state.  Surprisingly, he looked happy and that made me happy.  As I closed Facebook and started to walk home from the gym, the song “Breathe” from Angels of Airwaves came on. If you don’t know the lyrics you should read them.

I just started to cry. I was thinking about how much I loved him when we were married.  All I wanted was for him to love me back the way and the amount I loved him.  It was almost torturous the amount of love I gave him and the crumbs I got back in return.  I just kept trying harder and harder to please him.  My goal became “him” and what made him happy all the time.  My tears were coming from a place of sadness that he allowed me to chase him in order to be loved back.  What a terrible thing to do to someone that you love and that loves you unconditionally.  My tears slowly turned into tears of anger and then of exhaustion.  It was exhausting giving so much and not getting your love battery recharged.

As I wiped the tears away, I started thinking about how my life is today with my new husband. Suddenly I was crying tears of joy.  With him I don’t worry about how much I love him or how much he loves me. We just “love”.  I don’t have a goal of being something completely extraordinaire, hoping one day he would realize how lucky he is, because the new husband already knows. I’m just me and he’s just him.  Of course I will always watch for those signs that maybe one of us is unplugging or discounting as it’s a road I’ve been down more than once with a man.  But with him we talk about it, I tell him ” I don’t feel loved right now”. Then he looks at me with surprise and replies with the same emotional over-dramatic statement as I did and says “Oh my god, are you serious? How could I let this happen? I love you so much”. Then gives me the biggest hug and kiss ever!  Sometimes a person needs a 1950’s love scene to remind them that the love and passion is still there and to be taken seriously.

I guess the healing is still happening and that’s ok with me.

some of my favorite quotes #2

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“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”

“If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything.”
― Marilyn Monroe

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
— Bob Marley

“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
— A.A. Milne