I thought after being with him for 2 years and being married to him for the last 4 months that the grieving of my previous marriage was over. I mean I ripped that band-aid off the minute I saw scar tissue developing. Of course if the eX-file is brought up and reimnessed about I can get emotional. But usually it has to be pulled out of the archives and discussed in detail for awhile and then I get a little choked up. But this one came out of nowhere, at least it felt like it did.
Last night I was scrolling through Facebook as usual. Back story: my eX-husband and I are not friends in the social media or the real life world. Especially since I’m remarried now and we didn’t have any kids together. But of course one gets curious of your past loves after you’ve both moved on…so you Google them or search them on Facebook to see what they have allowed to be public for those non-facebook friends to see.
And there it was! Fresh new evidence that he is still alive without me in his life. It had been over 8 months since I had seen anything from him. There was some speculation that he had moved out of state to go live close to a mutual friend, but I wasn’t too sure my eX-File could do it. He wasn’t really the adventuresome type.
Exhibit A: was a picture of him with his new group of friends in his new home state. Surprisingly, he looked happy and that made me happy. As I closed Facebook and started to walk home from the gym, the song “Breathe” from Angels of Airwaves came on. If you don’t know the lyrics you should read them.
I just started to cry. I was thinking about how much I loved him when we were married. All I wanted was for him to love me back the way and the amount I loved him. It was almost torturous the amount of love I gave him and the crumbs I got back in return. I just kept trying harder and harder to please him. My goal became “him” and what made him happy all the time. My tears were coming from a place of sadness that he allowed me to chase him in order to be loved back. What a terrible thing to do to someone that you love and that loves you unconditionally. My tears slowly turned into tears of anger and then of exhaustion. It was exhausting giving so much and not getting your love battery recharged.
As I wiped the tears away, I started thinking about how my life is today with my new husband. Suddenly I was crying tears of joy. With him I don’t worry about how much I love him or how much he loves me. We just “love”. I don’t have a goal of being something completely extraordinaire, hoping one day he would realize how lucky he is, because the new husband already knows. I’m just me and he’s just him. Of course I will always watch for those signs that maybe one of us is unplugging or discounting as it’s a road I’ve been down more than once with a man. But with him we talk about it, I tell him ” I don’t feel loved right now”. Then he looks at me with surprise and replies with the same emotional over-dramatic statement as I did and says “Oh my god, are you serious? How could I let this happen? I love you so much”. Then gives me the biggest hug and kiss ever! Sometimes a person needs a 1950’s love scene to remind them that the love and passion is still there and to be taken seriously.
I guess the healing is still happening and that’s ok with me.